Questioner: I have followed you for a number of years now. At present I am reading “FROM I AM TO I AM, WITH LOVE”. Thing is Charlie, I have looked within, a million bloody times! Suspending thought briefly, (as it is useless to ask thought, what we are) as I look within myself. But Charlie, the feeling of a "me entity" continues. It is known that when looking inwards, all one finds is "The looking" or just "What is happening" i.e. I become everything that's present, if that makes sense. But the bastard feeling of a "separate me" continues.
Charlie: It appears what is remaining to see, that is still missing: Positive knowledge of your TRUE Self. Let’s start there. Are you being, right now? Is there anything wrong with that clear, present, inescapable Being-Awareness? This radiance that lights and warms whatever is arising in the Space that Being IS is akin to clouds and storms appearing in the ever-open and empty sky? You are the sky, not the thunder, rain etc.: You are that Being that is unavoidable –and NON-conceptual – and not the appearing content.
A simple way to see this once and for all is to cut off ANY word that comes after “I am.” Because all that comes and goes cannot be what you are! This cannot be found in the mind, in thought, as you seem to know. My point is, if thought is REALLY suspended, rather than your mind ‘thinking’ that you are suspending thought, then you have NOT really paused thought seen what is being pointed to. Don't be fooled here. the CONCEPT "paused thought" is NOT the true pause of thought. Again to believe thoughts are true or real is a huge trap.
Remember, NO word can capture or describe what you are, since, all of that is conceptual i.e. thoughts, powerless and meaningless in themselves. You cannot be anything which is coming and leaving. Including the thought “I” which you are adding to constantly: I this and I that. Show me that “I”. Take a picture of that I and e-mail it to me! Can you? No, because there is NO “I” in reality, only Changeless Being. Take the stand that You Are That and nothing else. Get this nailed down before getting into some thought inquiry, which you already know simply does not work!
Q: These feelings live deep in the body, in every cell. The feelings of separateness feel solid in the stomach area.
C: All conceptual. You are simply entertaining false beliefs that you are other than this pristine beingness! Go in for open heart surgery (which I have had) and tell the surgeon to locate and root out these “feelings” ALL of that is thought, and suffering starts with NOT having nailed down that positive self-knowledge as pointed out above. See that and go back and reread what I wrote above.
Q: As soon as a problem arises, (and problems will just, not piss off) the "me" is right in there, losing its rag every time. Yet as mentioned, I have looked back at this me, suspending thought for a few seconds. All that is found is an "alive awareness" of what's happening.
C: Go in for open heart surgery (which I have had) and tell the surgeon to locate and root out these “feelings” ALL of that is thought, and suffering starts with NOT having nailed down that positive self-knowledge as pointed out above. See that and go back and reread what I wrote above.
You say, “All that is found [in the see-ing-be-ing] is an ‘alive awareness’ of what's happening.” Full Stop here! But notice right now how you go back into the thought story and make it real ONLY by believing the load of crap it dishes up. Come back to get real about the actuality of undeniable Being, Aware and Present, registering all that arises. THAT is (important to get) PRIOR to Consciousness. You are not Consciousness either as Consciousness is just another temporal appearance in what is, your True-Nature. Like I said please get that firm and clear first!
Q: I have tried the Douglas Harding Headless method many a time, but the ego feeling is just too strong.
C: WHO SAID SO? The issue here is that you believe in a fictional I-character and then (once again) believe that load of bullshit it lays on you. Get back to what you ARE. In love for you I say cut the crap, my friend. Get real about BEING that Aware Presence, and BEING that NON-Conceptual; Unexperinceable "cognizing-Emptiness -- even before That. Really, that has to get handled before any “inquiry” and you already see that NO practice can ever “reveal” what Already Always IS, the non-conceptual Self.
Q: Sometimes, out of the blue, the "me" just disappears, and all there is, is "Just This"; just what's happening. Sadly though the "me" comes back, and then even tries to claim it, as its experience!
C: Again, all that is thoughts that come and go. Stop investing the belief in them and they just come and go in your very own Empty Aware Beingness!
Q: The best part of life is called bed time, and sleep, because as you know the "me ego" just fades away, it can't get round that until I have to wake up, to its miserable thoughts and feelings.
C: Understand this: ALL suffering is a function of believing that thoughts (and that the core thought me or I) is what you are. That belief must be seen as just NOT real, in the Real – tat simple light of awareness – which is always “on”, and always That which IS, while all that appears comes and goes in the mirror of That.
Remember: Nothing that comes and goes can be real. Only that which is the Know-ing of the temporary appearance can be the eternal Reality. Full Stop.
I suggest that read aloud and ponder the responses above. Meanwhile know that you are absolutely loved and authentically free. Juts the seeing-knowing is needed. Nail it down! And thanks for your openness, honesty and sincerity. It is a privilege to have this conversation with you, my friend.